Anahata

Prelude

Anahata -- that soft, melodic, soothing music.
I can't hear it play; yet I hear it playing somewhere (perhaps from within?), encompassing my totality...

It all started a few years after my encounter with Pagla Baba in that desolate stretch by the highway.
I went back a changed man after that meeting... Baba's touch had changed my life forever... and everything was wonderful for the next few months.
I started to exercise, developed healthy habits and gradually my capacity to cope with all kinds of stress increased manifold.
Until one day, I felt an irresistible urge to learn Yoga.
I'd tried Yoga before (in my school, they'd flock us all together into a huge gym and make us do these incredibly boring moves called Sun Salutation or something), I hated it!
So, that Saturday morning, lying in bed, when I got these vivid flashes of Yoga postures and an uncontrollable urge to perform them, I was surprised.
I knew I was going to hate it (or so I thought... ), but decided to give it a shot anyway.
There's a famous Yoga school a few kilometers from my house. I decided to pay them a visit. I got on my cycle and pedaled away to the Yoga school.

The School

The school was a little place, on the corner of a busy street.
The teacher was a middle-aged lady called Mrs. Janaki Iyer. She was the fittest person I'd seen in a long time, about 5'4” tall, trim, slim and calm.
I asked her whether she could accommodate me in one of her classes and she said yes.
In fact there was a class in another 20 minutes and she told me I could attend it and see for myself (she must've realized that I was a bit apprehensive about joining up).
Well, since I had my exercise clothes on, I decided to try it out.
Mrs. Iyer greeted us all and gave a short discourse on Yoga (it was the first class for the entire batch) and its different branches. I was surprised to learn that what is commonly called Yoga is only a portion of a vast field and it's actually termed Hatha Yoga.
She then started off by teaching a few very simple poses. Trikona Asana, Lolasana (which was not so easy) and all the relatively easier beginner's asanas.
I wasn't really impressed that much, I guess it takes time for it to grow on to become a liking...
Anyhow, I returned home and diligently practiced Yoga, attending the Yoga school and repeating the exercises at home.
Within a month I realized that my body had grown more flexible and I seemed to be growing younger (with the muscles firming up without getting too bulky) and everyone told me that there was something very pleasant about me.
I started to feel light and happy, seldom getting affected by stress and a sense of calm and gentle coolness permeated my being. It was almost as if I had taken a long vacation in some remote mountains (the Himalayas). A sense of awe towards my environment was growing, and I could look at things and appreciate their beauty.
A simple thing like looking at the bark of a tree gave me a sense of immense joy.
As the months went by, I was totally hooked on to Hatha Yoga. I advanced in the practice and I could perform the Sirshasana (head stand) for almost an hour at a stretch! “This is paradise,” I used to think.

Topsy-turvy

One day suddenly, my life turned topsy-turvy...
I had made a routine of practicing Yoga twice a day, once in the early morning (around 5 a.m.) and once in the evening (around 7 p.m.) when I got back from work.
Some strange sensations had been lurking around in my body, something that I couldn't explain.
I'd get a sense of vertigo in my belly (near the navel), an unusual gentle vibration would affect me there. I asked my doctor about it and he suggested that it might be anything from flatulence to appendicitis. He gave me a complete medical and sent me packing home with a clean chit.
He said, “Vyas, you've never been in better health, and I've been your doctor for over 10 years now... go home and don't let this bother you.”
So I decided to ignore the sensations.
The day it happened, I had stood in Sirshasana for about an hour in the morning and as usual, feeling great, I went through the motions of the day. Until about 3 p.m. that afternoon. I started getting these vibrations in my navel, rising up to my chest; there was no pain, but I felt as though I was having a heart attack.
I got out of office early and drove back home. By the time I got home, the discomfort had stopped.
I sat down brooding (I knew something was not normal) in introspection.
When I analyzed the discomfort, I realized that there was no pain as such... it was more like some type of electricity was pulsating at the afflicted region.
I decided to skip Yoga and went to bed after a light supper.
I woke up hearing a loud knocking sound on the wall of my bedroom!
It was the most violent knocking sound I have heard in a long time -- it was almost as though someone was trying to pound his/her way into the room.
I looked at the watch; it was 3:00 a.m. The knocking stopped and again I lay down to sleep, when the knocking/pounding started again.
This time I got out of bed and decided to check outside the house. There weren't too many houses around in those days, and I quickly realized that there was no one outside (no one to play a wicked trick on me).
As I stepped back into my bedroom, the pulsations in my belly started again.
It moved from my navel to my chest (near the center, next to the heart) and the entire region was throbbing, pulsating (as if some out-of-breath animal was hiding in my body).
My hands and feet were turning hot and I was sweating profusely.
And then I heard the sounds -- they seemed to float into my ears from a distance -- the sweet melody of a flute playing some soulful tune, the howling of winds (it was perfectly calm and still outside), the sound of someone singing some familiar raaga.
My body was pulsating and the music playing in rhythm (or was it the other way... can't say for sure).
I don't know how long I sat in that position, on the edge of the bed, shivering (even though I was sweating and feeling extremely hot)... maybe an hour or two.
Eventually the shaking stopped and I fell into a dreamless stupor.

The Next Day

I woke up at about 7 a.m. the next morning thinking about the nightmare I had.
Then I realized it was not a nightmare, it was real -- I called in at work and told them I wouldn't be going to work that day. I went to the doctor.
The doctor checked me again and said, “Vyas, I've ordered ECG, EEG and blood tests for you, go down to the lab and get them done...” “Oh! And come back here once you're done there, I want to talk to you...” he added.
I went downstairs to the lab, got the tests and trudged back into Dr. Singh's office.
He was waiting for me. He said, “Come, let's go get some coffee...” Now, I've know Dr. Singh for over 10 years, and he's never tried to be very friendly with me... I was kind of taken aback.
Over a cup of coffee, he asked me, “So what was it you took last night?” I was describing my supper when he interrupted me with, “What kind of drugs are you on Vyas?” Before I could say anything, he said, “Don't get me wrong, but the symptoms you mentioned, as far as the physical sensations and music are concerned, are typical of certain hallucinogenic drugs and psychotropic plants...”
I cut in hurriedly, “Doctor I haven't even had a drop of alcohol in the past few years, let alone drugs!”
He replied, “I'm sorry, but that's what it seemed to me... let's wait for the reports before we decide what to do.... okay?”
I nodded and told him I was tired and wanted to go home and rest. I drove off towards home.
One the way, I felt like dropping in and talking with Mrs. Iyer (my Yoga teacher).
It was about 10:30 a.m. and she was relatively free (with only a few of her foreign students around). She saw me and greeted me with a smile and twinkle in her eyes.
I felt extremely calm talking with her -- I told her about whatever had happened.
Mrs. Iyer looked at me with sympathy.
She sat pondering and then said “Vyas, I don't know whether this might be of any help or not, but there have been cases, such as the one you've described, due to Hatha Yoga practice... ”
She continued noticing my interest (I had to be interested, I felt like I was going nuts or something). “There is a certain power that lies dormant in our bodies that can be awakened by psychic exercises like Hatha Yoga and Pranayama... ”
“Superficially, these are excellent forms of exercise and oxygenation methods... but when the practitioner reaches a certain level of mastery or sometimes if he/she has a knack for it, the dormant energy in the body is awakened,” she said.
“What made you want to come and learn Yoga here, Vyas?” Mrs Iyer asked.
“I don't know, I just had the strongest urge to learn Hatha Yoga the day I first came to meet you... I actually saw someone performing some asanas in my head... or let me see... I visualized that someone was performing asanas and I simply had to learn Yoga,” I replied.
“What's that got to do with my being sick anyway?” I asked.
She replied, “I was getting there... when this energy gets awakened, it is said to rise upward from the base of your spine to the crown of your head, crossing seven gates or plexuses on its way. Have you heard of chakras?”
I said, “Yes... something to do with the phantom body and its energy centers or something, right?”
“Close enough.... chakras are like distributors of energy in our body, some equate it to the endocrine system, some say it's not in our physical body, but in our astral body. But anyway, when this energy (called Kundalini Shakti) rises, it causes all sorts of problems, some similar to what you're experiencing,” she said.
“I'm just surprised that someone who's had only about a year's practice of Hatha can actually feel it... I've been doing Yoga for more than 50 years and nothing's affected me that way,” she added.
She asked me to let her know what the doctor says about the medical reports.
I went home and fell asleep almost immediately.

Those Eyes

I dreamt aimlessly, and then, all of a sudden I saw those eyes... they almost woke me up... those wild and yet calm eyes... the paradox of reality (wild yet calm... imagine that!)
The face that wore those eyes came to focus, it was Pagla Baba.
Baba said almost tauntingly, “So, Vyas has had a snake crawling up his spine, huh?”
I was confused and wondering whether I was awake or asleep, when Baba said to me, “You are awake now, you go back to sleep once you wake up...” and started laughing loudly.
“That's beside the point, Vyas,” he said, “there is a reason for which you are experiencing all this.”
“That silent sound, that's heard without ears... that is Anahata... the dhwani from another realm... it rises from your own heart. Do not be afraid of it... ” Baba said.
“The snake that's crawling up your body, its bite is fatal though, the poison is called truth the death is called knowledge... be very careful of it. But don't be afraid, embrace it and it will treat you well... reject it and your fears will drive you insane,” he added.
“Yeah right! How much more insane can I get, talking to a loony hermit in my dreams...” I thought, when I got a knuckle on my head, “Ouch! That really hurt...” I looked at Baba's grinning face and said.
“I'll be back when you need me, meanwhile, continue with the Sirshasana, that'll help speed things up,” Baba said, and I woke up.

Not the end...

Dr. Singh called and asked me to meet him at his office in the hospital.
I rushed over to his office and he looked at me and said, “Vyas, the reports have come in.... you are perfectly normal... in peak health, like I'd said earlier. Are you sure you didn't take anything that day?”
I smiled and said, “Yes Doctor, I'm perfectly sure of that...”
I thanked him, paid the front office and left for my office.
That day went by rather uneventfully... I managed to get some work done.
That night, the throbbing was back, and this time it felt like I had a stepper motor whirring in my chest, I can swear that I heard a clicking sound from inside. And then the music started.
My head was spinning with confusion and I felt nauseous with fear.
But, somehow, my body was reacting to the music in a strange way, it was feeling relaxed like I had just finished an hour or two of Yoga.
I was breathing like a 100-meter sprinter one moment and not breathing at all another.
The music started getting a little louder and the throbbing rose to my throat (just above the Adam's apple), and then to my forehead and the entire region vibrating as though it were a string of a musical instrument.
My eyes closed automatically and I didn't know what was happening to me; all of a sudden, a bolt of electricity shot up from the navel to my head and everything stopped.
Time stood still, it seemed.... not a thing moved, not another sound, there was only silence.
I don't remember how long I sat like that. I could hear the birds chirping in the morning and I got up and went on with the morning routine: Yoga, change clothes, start the car, office.
The day went by as though in a few seconds, everything seemed to move so fast; yet I was going in slow-motion, everything was slow, I could observe everything in great detail.
I got back home and had a frugal meal. I went to bed early, and as I slept I heard this voice describing something in great detail.
It was a form of breathing, with the tongue sticking back into the mouth such that its tip touched the end of the nasal cavity. The voice seemed familiar, I realized it was Pagla Baba.
He described the technique and said it was called the Kechari Mudra.
I tried it the next morning; it was very difficult, the tongue moving backward into the mouth tended to gag me and I'd throw up or gasp for breath.
It took me a few months to master this technique, but once I managed to do it, I found instant bliss, energy and peace.

An Afterthought

I researched into the history of Kundalini, and found that for thousands of years, ascetics have strived to awaken her (according to Tantra traditions, this energy is feminine in nature -- being Shakti, and she is called MahaKundalini, the coiled serpent).
Those who have succeeded have described experiences similar to mine.
It is said that one should embark on such a journey with the blessings and teachings of an adept, a Guru. There is a lot of work that needs to go into the awakening of Kundalini, without which the person undergoing the awakening might lose his/her mind out of fear!
Something that almost happened to me...
I also found that a lot of people all over the world experience sudden awakening (without even actively wanting to, or even knowing about it, like myself). Some of these people lose their mind, especially the ones who are not brought up with the safety of Indian philosophy.
Some of these people in the West believe that it is the Devil's work and miss out on this glorious experience, or ruin it for themselves with fear.
For me, the silent sound is bliss, the melody beyond melody itself.

NOTE: This was an article published at sulekha.com where I write with the ghostname Rudra

The Night I Died

The night I died of a heart attack…

Well not exactly… I dreamt that I died of a heart attack.
Perhaps it'd been sitting in the back of my head for some time now.
My girlfriend says I eat much too oily and fattening food, and smoke way too much!
I've also developed a promising belly (that's out of sync with the rest of my body though…).
I make up my mind to exercise (every week without fail) and I do it for a few days, until I get bored of the routine and schedule.
The sheer dreariness of exercising at a fixed time makes me want to puke!
Anyhow, that's not what I'm writing this stuff up for… I actually don't know why I'm writing this up.
Sometimes I feel as though the blood isn't flowing very well through my heart.
I get the feeling that an artery is blocked… or perhaps two.
Can't say for sure.
I tell my friends about this sometimes, and they tell me, “Why don't you just go and get an ECG done? That'll make everything clear…”
I smile and say, “That's a good idea.”
But little do they know, I'm afraid of death (I mean, who isn't?)
But, what I'm even more afraid of is finding out that I'm going to die…
There! I've gone and said it finally… I'm going to die!
Nothing unusual about it… we're all going to die someday, aren't we?
When I think of death, so many thoughts race in my mind --
“What'll happen to me when I die?”
“Will I even know that I died? Or will it be like the scientists say, I simply cease to exist?”
“Or perhaps I'll become a ghost that haunts the world, caught in between the spirit world and the physical world, by virtue of some unfulfilled desire…”
I guess I'll never know till I get there.

The dream

The dream was disturbing…
I know I was dying -- I think I know how a dying person feels and senses the world around him.
I was talking to my mother; all of a sudden, I developed a piercing pain in the chest (left side).
I kept trying to control the pain and managed to keep talking with mother.
Suddenly I could take it anymore; I fell to the floor.
Next thing I know is that my mother's trying to massage my chest (trying out a cardiac massage) and I sense this darkness engulfing me, slowly… very slowly.
My senses are active but I cannot act.
I can see hectic activity all around me, but I'm unable to even speak a word.
Suddenly it all stops and there's a pleasant silence, a familiar darkness that is so comfortable.
I wake up the next morning with a pain in my chest and mother asks me to go to the doctor for a medical checkup.
I go to the doctor and he is annoying busy with other patients.
I wait at the clinic and the pain starts again.
An old lady runs out (all of a sudden it's started raining outside) to buy me a sorbitol (I think that's what she called it) from the pharmacy outside.
She asks me to put one tablet under my tongue.
I do it and the pain reduces -- I feel light and happy (as if I've had a healthy dose of bhang).
Someone's telling me, you were dead, but you've been given a second chance -- you're alive now… you were dead, but now you're alive!

Reality check

I woke up this time for real, feeling confused and fuzzy… kind of like I'd cotton inside my head or something.
Definitely not a pleasant feeling to have first thing in the morning, believe me.
Hello! Time to go to work!
I trudged on to my car, got in, started the ignition and waited, by now, pleasantly oblivious to the dream.
I started off from home. Driving to work I saw an old man sitting on the pavement, under the shade of a tree.
Eyes closed in meditation, there was a sense of tremendous peace about him.
I thought wistfully for a moment, “If only I was like him for a day…”
I drove by him, the scene, the place, the person, all forgotten.
Reality finally caught up, the wooziness of the head forgotten; an exciting day was ahead -- a Friday.
“Got to attend a party at my friend's place… he's buying scotch… we're gonna drink ourselves silly…” -- that's all that seemed to play in my mind.
I went through the process of living the day out and went home to change and drive over to my friend's place.
I had a bottle to scotch to attack and demolish… Grr!

A meeting with fate

As I was driving down the highway, I passed an empty patch of land to my left.
Desolate and barren, the field seemed alarmingly familiar -- like from one of my nightmares…
I pinched myself hard on the left forearm -- it hurt real bad!
I wasn't dreaming then.
I stopped the car a little distance below the highway and walked down to the edge of the field.
I felt a shiver go down my spine!
The highway was rather desolate for that time of the day (evening rather).
There were no lights on the highway and the sky was cloudy, with a threat of rain in the air.
Something about the field seemed to call me toward it.
I stepped into the field after crossing over the elevation that separated it from the road.
It started to drizzle, and I walked deeper into the field.
I could hear an occasional car whiz by behind my back.
I don't know how far I went, but I couldn't hear a thing (no sounds from the highway)… suddenly there was this tree in front of me!
As I walked toward it, an apparition suddenly stepped out in front of me!
The hair on my head was standing in total attention then!
As I looked carefully, I noticed this older man staring at my face, standing a few feet from me.
He gestured me to sit down near the tree. I couldn't resist.
I sat down meekly and he sat down facing me.
He spoke to me first.
“Why did you call me?” he asked.
I asked, “When did I ever call you? I don't even know you!”
He said, “You did call me, that's why I'm here.”
“I know what you want…” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“You're very unhappy… you want some peace,” he said.
“I guess…” I answered, suddenly growing irritated.
Here I was, sitting in the middle of nowhere, with an old beggar, while I should have been sitting in Anand's place, drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes and having fun!
“What if this guy is some nut who wants to kill me and take away my money?” I thought.
“No! I'm not some nut who'd kill you for your car and money,” the old man said.
“I was just thinking of it as a possibility…” I said. “Hey! Wait a minute… how'd you know what I was thinking of?” I asked him.
“I can read you like an open book, Vyas,” the old man replied.
“Nonsense! Tell me what I'm thinking now?” I asked him.
“You're thinking that whatever I'm saying I can read from your mind, is something everyone thinks, and so you thinking I'm playing some psychological trick on you…”
“That's easy, you are playing a trick on my mind!” I retorted incredulously.
“No I'm not… see, I even know the dream you had last night…” he said, cutting me short. “Yes! The one in which you died from a heart attack…”
I was staring at him in the darkness, totally drenched by now by the rain (which thankfully had stopped).
That wooziness in my head had returned all of a sudden… I realized that he'd actually addressed me by name.
I asked, “Who are you?”
“Some people call me Pagla Baba…” there was a hint of amusement in his voice. “But I'm not really mad, I'm simply what people call a mystic nowadays.”
“Oh! An ascetic?” I sounded relieved (to myself)!
“Yes, you could say something like that…” Pagla Baba replied.
“So what do you want from me here?” I asked him.
“I want to give you something…” Pagla Baba replied.
“Close your eyes and sit still,” he told me.
I closed my eyes and he touched me on the forehead with his thumb.
Suddenly I felt as if a light had exploded before my eyes, and I was hurtling through space!
A billion lights exploded in my vision and I saw this egg-shaped object flying towards me amidst the chaos.
The egg had a brilliant blue hue about it (as if it were crackling with electricity).
It came closer to me and stopped a few meters away.
It started spinning faster and faster, emitting this blue light all around and suddenly within the egg I saw the shape of Lord Krishna playing the flute.
The egg kept spinning and I saw Buddha bathed in a golden glow in place of Krishna.
It spun even faster, and finally burst into billions of flashes of light.

The aftermath

I could hear a voice calling me, as if from a distance, “Vyas! Vyas! Are you alright?”
I forced my eyes open; the sky was clear, and I was sitting in my car and Anand was standing outside and calling me.
I looked out of the window and the field was there, but all of a sudden it didn't seem so ominous anymore.
I tried to recollect what had happened to me, but my memory wasn't clear.
I asked Anand, “How did you find me?”
Anand replied, “I was worried when you didn't come home on time, and I knew you'd be on this highway… I was afraid you'd had an accident or something.”
“What had happened to you, by the way?” Anand asked.
“I don't know what Anand, I really don't remember…” I said, even though I did remember.
I just couldn't tell anybody about it, that's all.
No one would believe me anyway.
I only said to him, “Let's not go drinking tonight, man. Let's sit and talk.”
So I drove to his place, shakily, following his car.
As I got down, I reached for a cigarette.
I pulled one out and lit it up and retched.
I couldn't stand the smell or the smoke anymore.
The habit that I'd always wanted to quit but couldn't -- smoking, my old nemesis.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
“It's due to the shock!” I said to myself. “Let's wait and see…” I thought.
Anand and I talked that night like we'd never ever done before.
We talked about life -- the bittersweet experiences.
I went home late, very late.
I hit my bed and was out cold!
I slept like I'd never slept before… and the bad dreams, they'd gone away.
I dreamt of pleasant things that night.
I dreamt of peace, of love, of beauty in nature.
I woke up early the next morning and put on my running shoes and track pants.
I jogged like I was a new man… feeling younger and energetic.
People call me a tranquil person today.
I talk to Pagla Baba sometimes… he speaks to me in my dreams

NOTE: This article was published at Sulekha.com where I write with the ghostname Rudra